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Welcome to my awkward life

A self deprecative insight to my life

Hello there, for those of you who don’t know me, my name is Jas.. I’m a 30 something average(ish) person living an average life. I know what you’re thinking, who gives a shit.. any dickhead with a keyboard can and will write about their lives like people actually give a damn. The thing is though, for some strange reason, stupid shit seems to happen to me on a regular basis, I’m sure not unlike other people but I seem to have a knack for writing about my happenings in a way that my social media following seems to find amusing. So that is why I am going to have a crack at a blog, where I will share my awkward tales of everyday life and my journey into impending motherhood, my thoughts and ramblings of things I find amusing/irritating and just other general shit that you might feel like reading if you have no life feel so inclined.

 

 

 

Blame it on the baby brain

Ahh baby brain, myth or fact? If I weren’t known for doing dumb shit most of my life I’m pretty sure I would be sold on the concept. 

So this week started off fairly mild.. went to my 3 weekly eyelash appointment on Monday and as usual did the mad dash to the loo as soon as I could open my eyes, then off I popped… without paying. A little embarrassing but all in all nothing to cry about. 

Come Wednesday, back into the swing of the working week and I sat down to go to the toilet (basically live there these days) and as I’m sitting there the tag of my pants catches my eye… wtf?! Oh good I’ve been wearing my leggings back to front this whole time, brilliant. I could’ve fixed it buttt I couldn’t be assed taking my boots off so I ran with my back to front pants for the rest of the day. 

Gordon decided to chip in on the entertainment on Thursday by projectile vomiting all over my salon floor.. my wonderful clients sprang into action immediately gathering paper towels and cloths to clean it up (they are expert level mums obviously) and I get down and help so as not to look useless but then Gordon decides he’s keen to help too and starts licking the vomit, cue my gag reflex. Anyone who knows me will be aware that once I start gagging, I can’t stop. So I stand there carrying on like a pork chop while my two clients clean the rest of the vom (Simone and Fil if your are reading this, you are SAINTS) while not baby brain related, an entertaining fiasco nonetheless. 

Ok, so after managing to get through the rest of the week relatively unscathed, along comes Saturday evening… when I managed to pull off the most baby brain event of the century. Dave and I were having dinner with his family and discussing Sia, when I said I’d love to go see her and that she was touring soon. Dave suggests we get tickets, what a guy! So onto ticketek I hop, I see two concert dates, a Thursday and a Saturday.. well of course I’m going to go the Saturday. I click on, tickets still available, sweet! After choosing  our seats and feeling rather chuffed with myself I open up the confirmation email while gloating about the fact we are proud owners of Sia tickets, I stop mid sentence… wait.. I’ve bought tickets to the fucking SYDNEY show! FUCK! My heart is about to pop out through my ass… I tell Dave and his mum, Sue, what I’ve just done and how the Melbourne show is completely sold out, waiting for the “wtf is wrong with you” face but to my surprise Dave shrugs, looks at Sue and says.. “guess we are going to Sydney!” So long story short, well not really, we are now flying to Sydney to go to a Sia concert… YOLO? Or whatever it is the young and non mentally incapacitated people are saying these days? 

In other news, I got my ring back, yaaay!!

Happy days- Jas 

Hello – ween!

We are fast approaching one of my favourite days of the year, Halloween! Some boring people might still whinge that halloween is an “American” thing and that we should not celebrate it (they are wrong, by the way, Halloween is originally a Celtic tradition) But Australians are slowly starting to embrace this wonderful, creepy day more and more every year, yay!

Whilst I love a good horror flick and of course a slice of history, it is the dressing up in costume that I live for! Whether it be Halloween or any other occasion, being able to take on a new persona for the evening always seems to make an event more exciting and I am extremely blessed to have found myself a man who shares the same enthusiasm, in fact sometimes I think he enjoys it even more than I do and as far as we are both concerned, any excuse will do.

Costume hire can be so expensive, which is why we prefer to make our own wherever possible and it is a lot easier than you think! You don’t need to be a whiz on a sewing machine or spend hours on end making a costume, you just have to think outside the box… and have a good op shop!

Here is some “Inspo” from some of our previous dress up occasions.

Our first Halloween together (which resulted in me getting emotional/angry drunk and getting the shits with Dave and leaving him in the city.. ) This was a very last minute and unexpected night out as I was actually supposed to be in America but came home early after the sudden passing of my grandmother (now please understand angry drunk story) So we had to haul ass and pull together these costumes last minute.

Poison Ivy was created with a basic green skirt and singlet from the sale rack at Valley Girl and a vine of ivy from Spotlight which I twisted and sewed to the skirt and top with a quick few stitches ( you could use safety pins if you cbfd with needle and thread. I then used remaining Ivy to pin into my hair and a couple of bits stuck above my eyebrows using false eyelash glue. EASY

Zipper head cop was a random mix of a shop hired cop outfit (because who doesn’t love a hot cop) and some of Daves scary face painting creativity. To be fair this one wasn’t exactly cheap but it was a lot of fun to create. We bought a skin coloured Zipper from spotlight which in hindsight was a rookie error as it was hard to see, so perhaps use a regular silver zipper.. A variety of products, purchased from a costume store, were used to create the look, skin adhesive to glue the zipper on, latex to create a blobby flesh effect and some Coagulated blood gel, which is a thick fake blood so it doesn’t run everywhere. He also went to the trouble of using a red contact lens to complete the look!

90’s themed Party! Party time – excellent!

Wayne’s world – Wayne & Garth, such an easy costume to put together! These outfits were comprised of a black t shirt and flanno from Kmart and jeans, sneakers and a white t shirt we already had. The garth wig was a regular blonde wig from the $2 shop, we just cut some shorter bits through the top, teased it up and hairsprayed. The “Wayne’s world” hat I was lucky enough to find for $20 at an embroidery store at the shopping centre but you can order off eBay or even make yourself with a plain black cap and some white fabric pens. Most comfortable “costume” I’ve ever worn and we had a total blast acting like goofballs all night.

Halloween 2015, celebrated with good friends at the Luwow, what a great night this was!

Jigsaw doll – Suit, courtesy of savers! Gloves from a cheap shop (pretty sure they were elbow length but whatever works) Bow tie was hard to find so we ended up purchasing last minute from costume store, though eBay have them super cheap,  the wig was actually a Snow White wig from the $2 shop! We bought a palette of black red and white face paint from the costume store and I got the honour of doing the face painting whilst looking closely at pic from google, so easy!

Killer clown – was inspired by a pic of some cool facepaint I saw on Pinterest, my re creation wasn’t as good as the pic but I still thought it looked awesome. Dress and hat from St Vincent De Paul.

And this, my friends, is my future husband in all his glory! Dave’s attention to detail never ceases to amaze me! Both of these costumes were created for footy functions.

Christ the redeemer – Believe it or not, this costume almost entirely came from savers.. Dave sourced all of the pieces (for both costumes) himself. Christ the redeemer was created using a long white pleated skirt, dressing gown and scarf. We found a wig at our usual $2 shop and covered it – and him in white body paint purchased from the costume store (we could almost buy shares in costume paint with the amount we have in our dress up box!

Baba Desi (the Tecoma wizard) – Made from Harem pants, a tunic, scarf, a gazillion necklaces and bracelets and a satchel all from savers. an eye patch from the costume section of savers and his stick was an outdoor bamboo citronella stick we had in the shed  complete with a skull ornament from savers (savers has an amazing halloween section of decorations and costumes every year) My favourite part of this ensemble is the authentic turban, which Dave taught himself to make on youtube, seriously this guy kills me! It was a hit as you can imagine.

So as you can see costumes do not have to be over the top, extravagant or expensive to make a statement. The most important thing is making sure you feel comfortable and confident with what you are wearing, be silly and have fun!

Happy Halloween, Jas.

Not quite evil knieval..

So after starting this blog, I thought what the hell am I going to write about? While silly things do happen to me on a semi regular basis, they aren’t always worth writing home for. So then I began thinking about my past and all of the whacky situations I have found myself and a few quickly sprung to mind that all had one common denominator… other peoples bikes.

I’m not sure what order these stories go in but they were all when I was primary school age.. I know this because at the time I still had a “Bmx” style bike which was small and had pedal brakes instead of hand brakes. I grew up in a small country town, so myself and my friends would ride our bikes around the local neighbourhood almost everyday, so I was usually quite nifty on a bike, my own bike that is..

The first incident occurred when I was riding my neighbour, Marks bike. He was a couple of years older than me and was much taller so he rode a mountain bike, you know the ones that have the straight bar that runs from under the seat to the base of the handlebars. On this particular day we were playing some court tiggy on the bikes (for those playing at home tiggy = chasey, tag etc) and I was, as usual, over hyped and laughing like a maniac trying not to get caught when my bottom foot slipped off the pedal and I came down onto that metal bar with a CLUNK. Now being a female, I do not have nuts but I’m pretty sure if there were a way of “knackering” yourself as a female.. this is what had just happened. I dropped the bike, grabbed my crotch and started hopping about yelping and crying. I ran to the bathroom and dropped my dacks to find that the whack had caused a little bit of bleeding… for years I silently wondered if I would ever have children. (not really but it sounded good for dramatic effect) Anyway, good times.

The second story took place at my Aunty Mary’s house, where I was riding my older cousins bike around the backyard. I’m not sure how I got up on this bike to ride it in the first place, for I soon realised (too late as usual) that it was far too big for me to stop.  I continued riding it around the hills hoist in circles, while hollering at my cousins, Kathryn and Sarah, to help ” I can’t stop! I can’t get off!” Well they thought this was hysterical and instead of springing into action, they laughed their asses off, which then made me laugh. By this point I realised I needed to go to the toilet, so I hollered some more, followed by more laughter from all of us… after a good ten minutes of circles I realised I had to do something to get off this fucking bike.. so I crashed it into a table, dropped to the ground and simultaneously pissed my pants. Thanks for all your help guys!

Moving on, to another bike that was probably too big for me, at my Aunty Linda’s house. My cousin Luke and I were riding bikes up and down his street, not doing anything in particular just cruising around.. Anyway, I started pegging it to see how fast I could go and when I thought I had reached my peak speed I applied the trusty ol’ pedal brake… but to my horror my feet just whizzed backwards around and around, wtf is happening?! Clearly I’d ever ridden a bike without back brakes! I turned my head and looked over my shoulder to Luke and yelled “HOW DO I STOP???” which I’m sure he then replied “put the brakes on idiot?” but I can’t remember because I turned back just in time to see the bike heading for the gutter before the front wheel hit and I flew over the handle bars and onto the nature strip, where I lay winded for a good 5 minutes.

I dont really ride bikes much these days but I’ve been scarred enough to never ride a bike that I can’t touch the ground on and to ALWAYS check the brakes.

-Jas

Image 16-10-17 at 3.17 pm
Me in my typical, 9 year old country feral state. photo courtesy of Ron Astill 

 

 

Too much information

overshare
əʊvəˈʃɛː/
verb
 reveal an inappropriate amount of detail about one’s personal life.”her taste for oversharing was part of a grassroots publicity campaign that cost her and her label nothing”

I’m not sure what it is I get out of oversharing.. Do I like making people squirm with the gory details of my personal life? Possibly.. Do I just like the attention? Probably. Mostly I just enjoy amusing people with the things that make me laugh, even if it’s at my own expense, I mean who doesn’t love a good shart tale #amiright?

I’ve always found it mind blowing when women tell me they don’t fart in front of their husbands… How the fuck, I mean… no seriously how? Poor Dave, I bet he wishes I was going to be one of those wives.. but alas, there is definitely no mystery in our relationship. Dave knows pretty much every single gruesome detail of my past.. I’m pretty sure I know most of his, sure he has a couple of skeletons in his closet but compared to the skeletal fucking theatre production going on in my walk in robe he comes up smelling of roses.

It’s taken me a good 30 years to grow into somebody I’m happy with, no I am certainly not perfect but the beauty of transparency, though increasing vulnerability, means that you will only really attract people who like you for who you really are and majority of the people I consider close friends are people I’ve met as an adult and people who love me for the blunt, crass and slightly mental bogan that I am.. without them, I wouldn’t be whole.

Anyways, as I have the house to myself, I’m off to enjoy a night of farting in bed without my fiancé threatening to sleep in the spare room!

 

– Jas

 

The engagement…

This week, David (my partner who you will hear more about because the shit he comes out with is solid gold) decided to whisk me away for a romantic getaway at the Woodlands rainforest retreat in Narbethong, Vic. Now before I go any further, you should know Dave rarely organises anything so naturally I was suss, but I’m always up for a weekend away so play on.

So we get to this amazing place where we spend the next 24 hours being decadent as fuck (decadent is my new word for the week) eating, reading in the sun while blinding the wildlife with my glow in the dark legs, sitting in a spa pretending I’m not hot and flustered and self conscious of my boobs which are becoming a bit national geographic with the pregnancy while Dave is staring thoughtfully outside so I ask him “what are you thinking about Darb?” he responds without hesitation “birdseed” this guy, I swear to god if he were anymore laid back about life, he’d be dead.

Tuesday evening, we get spruced up to go to the local pub for dinner, then we sit on the couch with a glass of wine (don’t judge me fuckers) and we chat about what a lovely time we are having while some rather rom com music plays in the background. I mention to Dave that life is going to change a lot when this baby comes.. but I quickly add that I am glad we are doing it together, because I can’t honestly think of anyone I’d rather do it with (awww) at that nudge, Dave gets up and walks over to get something off the bar in the corner and he says ” well I’m glad you said that Jas” and he turns around and I’ve basically already got snot pouring out of my nose and tears rolling down my cheeks. Dave then walks over and starts giving me a spiel about how great our life is together (literally can’t remember a word he said unfortunately) and eventually he looks into my bloodshot, racooned eyes and asks the big question. I said yes, obviously. He then presents me with a stunning ring and tries to push it onto my finger.. he gets stuck and says something about “its a bit small but we can get it resized” “bullshit” I said and with that I force the ring onto my finger with the determination of a fat kid at a food festival and proudly stare at it as said finger turns a weird shade of purple. I proceed to gloat on Instagram and Facebook and then show anyone who looks in my general direction, good.

We get home from dinner and I decide that maybe I should take the ring off and save it until we get it resized but despite trying several times with ice/windex/morning fresh/oil/butter/blood of a wizard we could not get this fucking thing off. finger now looks like it could drop off but no drama’s we decide we will go and get it CUT OFF.

We go to the jeweller who made the ring and they attempt to cut it off with some fiddly pliers, nein, Dave tries and breaks pliers, brilliant. We then get sent to the local fire station, so off we trot to the station where we were welcomed like a couple of celebs and given coffee and Tim tams while we waited for the “specialist ring cutting kit” to arrive. Two firemen arrive with the kit and spend some time with some weird can opener device and proceed to start cutting the ring while another firey shows me a picture of the partially severed finger of some guy who tried to cut his own ring off with a grinder.. excellent, now feeling slightly crook we continue with the ring cutting. A few minutes later the ring I have been dying to get on my finger for 2 years, is now off. The fireman then give us a tour of the station and sensing our obvious maturity, let us sit in the fire truck and put helmets on while we played with the thermo camera device thingy.. it was bloody brilliant. They then gave us some stickers and sent us on our way!

So now my lovely ring is in getting fixed/resized and we’ll all live happily ever after! Moral of the story my dears is if you want to meet a hot fireman, chuck on a ring thats way too small 😉